how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
