I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I touched a dick in church today
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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