I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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