Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
