you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize