Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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