SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
