1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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