Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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