This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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