How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize