So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
