My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
