The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
