Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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