oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
