You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
