Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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