You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
