apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
