So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
