im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I think I just sharted jello shots
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
