My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
