pop tarts are not kleenex
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
