Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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