My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
