I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think I am morally bankrupt
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
