Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
