I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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