my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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