It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
