My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize