So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
