pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize