I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
