why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
