i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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