she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
