Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
