I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
