god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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