That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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