i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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