why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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