Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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