everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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