I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
vagina is talking i cant
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
