i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
