She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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