I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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