Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
