he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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