The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
