Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
