Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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