my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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