party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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