I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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